Top 10 Useless AMAZON Products You MUST HAVE
We all own things that we regretted purchasing not long after, so it’s good to have someone over your shoulder telling you what and what not to buy. Then again, as you may come to find by the close of this Archive, that person may not always have the best judgment… Ignoring that last bit, let’s move onto this top 10 Amazon products we think you must have! Disclaimer: Top 10 Archive is not responsible for you later realizing how incredibly useless these products really are…
Glowing Toilet Bowl Lids
Long gone are the days of your drab, boring 'ole bathroom! With the KINGSO LED toilet light, you'll be doing your business in style. Available in a variety of different neon colors, KINGSO has solved one of the greatest dilemmas of our time - how can we bring the nightclub back to the most happening room in our homes? While the LED light is touted to kill mold and bacteria, we feel the same technology could have been used on a product that doesn't illuminate your toilet bowl like it's about to drop a sick beat.
Amazon is definitely known for its appeal to basic consumers which makes products like the SkySaver 260 a shock to come across. The “Building Escape Backpack” is a must-have survival kit that lets you escape from a building some 260 feet or roughly 80 meters high when conventional methods are impossible. For the device to be effective, anchor points need to be preinstalled, meaning it’s mostly meant for standard single family homes. That also leads us to believe that it’s mostly an overpriced novelty that trust fund babies with too much spare change get to toy around with in their McMansions. Try to deny that if you had the money you wouldn’t be rappelling down the side of your home every weekend.
Inflatable T-Rex Costume
The most useless must-have item! Beyond looking like a fool, there’s no purpose for this inflatable T-Rex costume beyond Halloween, but that’s not going to stop you from dropping a little of your hard-earned cash on it. It’s become an internet sensation, to the point where it’s already been overused and has lost its charm. With that said, you can still use it to torture friends and family and lounge around in while you watch Jurassic Park – and that seems more than worth the purchase.
Stuffed Blobfish Plush
The squishy-faced Blobfish is a pretty nonsensical creature in nature, known by many only because of how unnaturally fugly it is. So, why wouldn’t you want a plushy version of it? It’s not going to serve too much of a purpose, except maybe make you feel better about your looks when you’re having one of your “ugly” days. You know you’re going to wind up purchasing one of these pink, big-nosed plushes, but you also know within 14 days, it’s going to be covered in dust or become your dog’s new love toy.
8 ft (2.4 m) Gummy Python
It’s long, it’s heavy, and when you’re not ruining your appetite and chewing on it, it probably sits around and collects an obscene amount of dust. Sure, this giant gummy python is probably meant for group scenarios and parties, but we’re going to guess that’s not why it’s typically purchased. There’s no good reason for this to exist save for a novelty factor, and it’s for that reason that the consumer will inevitably latch onto it – despite a grotesque price tag. The real question is whether you’d start with the head or the tail?
For the pyromaniac in all of us, the FlameStower is a unique mobile device charger that is effective within close proximity of fire. An extended blade sits within fire and uses thermal energy to charge your camera or phone within approximately 2 1/2 hours. A water reservoir keeps the device and rest of the charger from bursting into flames… theoretically. It sounds like a viable option for the outdoorsy type, but when given the choice between a charger that requires an open flame or one that just needs a few cranks of a handle, which do you think the survivalist would go for? This is really just one of those things that us internet peoples buy; you know, to look rugged and resourceful for the minimal visitors we get.
Owning a brass keyboard is certainly appealing, but let’s be real for a moment. Do you really need to drop $1,000 on a keyboard just to troll YouTube videos, post memes, and leave “that’s what she said” and the “the last time I was this early” comments everywhere? Probably not, but that’s just our opinion, and if we’ve learned anything, it’s not one that matters. So, go forth, moneybags! Be “that person” on the block with your fancy keyboard and its Victorian weathered design, typewriter-styled keys, and Cherry MX switches.
Condiment Dispenser Gun
Gun nuts take note of this quirky little piece of plastic that allows you to pack heat without a conceal and carry license! The tiny red revolver can be loaded with a plastic bottle of your favorite condiment, but we recommend ketchup or barbecue sauce for their ability to stain clothing. When you’re ready to dress your dog, just pull the trigger and you have yourself the least efficient means of condiment dispensing. As totally unnecessary and useless as this product may be, there is a crowd that it appeals to and you know exactly who you are. So go forth and enjoy shooting ketchup all over everybody… because, really, what else are you going to use it for?
Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer
Whether designed to appease the ADD in all of us that demands perfectly sized banana slices or the lazy sack that can’t muster the strength to lift a knife half-a-dozen times, the Hutzler 571 is as useless yet ap-PEALING as they come. Looking past the fact that creating an Amazon account takes more effort than slicing a banana, there’s also the issue that not all bananas are shaped the same. What if you get one that’s straighter? Or one that’s a bit more curved? It’ll be madness and bedlam first thing in the morning. You’ll spend hours trying to form the banana to fit into the stiff plastic mold, the kids will go unwashed, and your wife will ultimately leave you, all because you couldn’t pick up a knife for 10 seconds.
Tweets and Status Updates Book
Ugh, who wants to deal with the hassle of coming up with unique things to say on social media platforms? All that time wasted hovering over your keyboard with not a thing to say could have been better spent sipping cappuccinos or shopping for Ugg boots. All of these non-issues could be a thing of the past if only you had “Lines for All Occasions: Tweets and Status Updates,” a hardcover book that takes all the work out of Facebooking and Tweeting. Of course, these aren’t real issues that needed a solution, but you see this book and can’t think of one reason not to purchase it. At such an affordable price, who can resist investing in future clutter?